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Developmental Differences in Understanding Adoption by Adopted vs. Non-adopted Children and Teens 0-4 years Adopted
Generally does not realize differences.
If notices them, likes to point them out.
Feels OK about adoption and thinks story is special.
Non-adopted
Generally does not realize differences.
If notices them, likes to point them out.
Feels OK about adoption and thinks story is special.
5-6 years Adopted
Child begins to ask many questions about babies, birth, differences.
Likes adoption story, but does not understand concepts. Feels some differences especially in multi-cultural families.
Tells most people that he/she is adopted.
Non-adopted
Child begins to ask many questions about babies, birth, differences.
Does not understand adoption, but wonders about it when it comes up – and often asks simple questions.
Accepts adoption as a way to form a family.
7-11 years Adopted
Child understands basic concepts of adoption and begins grieving process.
May stop asking questions/denial and realizes lost something to be adopted.
“Not everyone is adopted like me.”
“Why was I adopted?”
“Why didn’t they keep me? Did I do something wrong?”
Increasing interest in birth parents.
Fantasies about living with different parents.
Non-adopted
Does not understand adoption concepts, but begins to sense that it results when parents “give away” child.
Reaction to adopted peers based on information from adults/media.
“Not everyone is adopted like he is.”
“Why was she adopted?”
“Could my parents give me away? I am glad I am not adopted.”
“Adoption is okay because I like you OR adoption is not okay because I don’t like you”
Fantasies about living with different parents.
12-14 years Adopted
Anger stage of grieving and developmental stage.
May resist authority and try on new identities.
Begins separating from two sets of parents.
May be angry over loss of control (i.e. adoption decisions) –wants more control.
Growing sense of self – identity issues.
More complex reasoning about adoption story and needs to look at grays.
Rejects kids who are different.
Generally does not talk about being an adoptee.
What does sex have to do with adoption?
Non-adopted
Anger stage developmentally.
May resist authority and try on new identities.
Begins separating from one set of parents.
Wants more control in life.
Growing sense of self – identity issues.
Sees many differences about adoptive families.
Oversimplifies how adoption occurs and does not understand emotional issues.
Rejects kids who are different.
May be negative about what he/she perceives what adoption means about adoptees.
What does sex have to do with adoption?
15-17 years Adopted
Separates from two sets of parents.
Has second layer of concerns about leaving home.
Non-adopted
Separates from one set of parents.
May face concerns about leaving home, but usually feels secure about its permanency.
We hope you found the special edition of our W.I.S.E. Up! workshop beneficial and worthwhile. As an added bonus, all attendees have received access to this exclusive resource page.
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