Moving from Foster Care to Adoption: 12 Important Aspects Adoptive Parents Should Consider

Many children achieve permanency in adoption after joining a foster family. The shift from the legal status of foster care to the commitment of adoption holds many emotional and practical issues for both the child and parent. While it may seem like a simple change in the legal status of an established relationship, the shift involves much more. Let’s look at a few of the important aspects of moving from foster care to adoption.

Commitment

For the child, this commitment can mean everything. It means no more moves, belonging to a family, feeling wanted, believing that they matter, and, as one child expressed, “I can finally breathe after holding my breath for so long.”

Adoption is a commitment to lifelong parenting. During different developmental stages, considering the child’s history, experiences, trauma, current and future behaviors, parents must be able to establish natural support.

Legal Permanency

Once the adoption is final, the child is a permanent part of the family. There is nobody to call to request removal, and nobody else legally responsible for the child. The child has the right to inheritance, and maybe the obligation to take care of their adoptive parents in their old age. This is a big commitment, with the understanding that the parent-child relationship is forever.

Termination of Parental Rights

The legal rights of the biological parent(s) are terminated, and now the adoptive parent is in control of when and where any visitation takes place. The adoptive parent should consider the best interest of the child at any given developmental stage regarding visitation, and when the child has an opinion, it should be honored.

Adoption is Lifelong and Intergenerational

It changes the genetics of a family forever, and if it is a transracial placement, it changes the racial composition of the family into the future, as well. The parent must be prepared for their family to be different, to stand out, to draw comments, and sometimes, to be subject to discrimination. Adoptive families face core issues that other families don’t have to contend with such as attachment, loss and grief, trauma, and identity, and the impact of race, class, ethnicity, culture, and diversity. The relationship with the adopted child’s biological family brings another dimension to the intergenerational nature of family formation, often expanding the family exponentially.

In relative adoption, relationship definitions actually change. Auntie may become Mother, cousins may become siblings, and it can be confusing. Issues of loyalty, family discord, and estrangement can impact family relationships inter-generationally.

Developmental Understanding of Adoption

Children understand the concept of adoption differently at different ages and stages of their development. Parents need to know about these different perceptions so that they can understand how to address the issue of adoption with their child at different developmental stages.

Claiming

Claiming is the conscious decision to wrap the child into the family, claim the child as their own, and feel entitled to do so. Such activities as sharing traditions and incorporating the child’s traditions into the family can help with claiming. Appreciating that children’s memories are stored and recalled through their senses, using sensory-based avenues of communication can be powerful. Cooking familiar foods, using familiar spices, baking, playing familiar music, playing games the child likes, and other shared activities can help the child feel a part of the family.

The Impact of Trauma Over the Life Cycle of Adoption

Through the lens of adoption, parents will be supporting their children through many developmental stages, not just for the short term, as with foster care. Understanding how trauma affects their child developmentally and into adulthood is essential. This is one reason to connect with an adoption-competent therapist as early in the child’s placement as possible. Establishing a trusting relationship can provide support as needed to prevent issues from escalating.

Attachment Building for the Integration of Child into the Family

In foster care, if it is seen as temporary, there often is not an emphasis on doing the attachment work with the child and foster parent(s), but may rather be working toward reunification with the birth family. However, in the adoptive family, attachment work is essential for building trust, relationships, integration into the adoptive family, and ultimately, healing for the child.

Maintaining Connections

All biological family members are part of the child’s “adoption/kinship network,” as defined by the child, and remain important throughout the child’s life. Their importance exists regardless of whether or not they are physically present or biologically connected. Siblings are critically important connections, especially if they have lived together and are now separated. Even siblings who have never lived together may have a strong emotional connection. Other significant relationships may also be important to the child, including former foster relationships, community members, teachers, and social workers. Adoptive parents can help to maintain these important relationships.

The Family is the Healing Agent for the Child

Families should consider adoption-competent therapy and reparative work, and be willing to open themselves to join the child in their pain, struggle and hopefully, healing. Children do not heal from adverse early childhood experiences and trauma in isolation. Healing occurs in the context of positive relationships, preferably in the nurturing network of an extended family where there is one or more consistent, caring adults, where they can learn to trust, reciprocate, and feel safe. The goal for every child should be a permanent family who can provide stability, the commitment of a safe and nurturing parent-child relationship, and participation in whatever treatment is prescribed, so that the child can move toward healing within the security of a family, including extended family and community. Flexibility, along with a good sense of humor, are also positive attributes.

Parents’ ability to seek help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness

Parents who seek help wisely know that they don’t have all the answers, and they are open to learning new ways to approach parenting, no matter how experienced they are.