Adoptees Surpassing The Six Stuck Spots: Loyalty

Growing up I never would have thought I spent time stuck in the space of “loyalty.” However, with the passage of time & welcomed personal growth, I can now see where issues with loyalty have presented in my life.

The most obvious conflict I’ve had with loyalty was undoubtedly my decision to search & reunite with my biological family. I remember feeling that push & pull, the struggle within myself wondering if I was betraying my adoptive family with all the curiosity I had about my biological family. I’ll never forget the anguish of my internal dialogue…

“It’s your right to get to know them”, I assured myself…

The thought was quickly combatted…“Know them for WHAT? They didn’t raise you, the family who took you in is the only family you owe your loyalty.” My mind tried so hard to convince me of this truth but my heart had other ideas.

The truth is, my heart beats for two families. Two families that are SO different yet I sit at the center of them both. Sometimes that feels confusing…like a competition for my loyalty & love.

As years have passed by & I’ve thought more & more about what being interracially adopted has meant in my life, I have also realized all the times loyalty presented as an issue when dealing with racial or cultural microaggressions within my families. Perhaps one side of the family was making distasteful comments about minorities or the other side making comments about Americans or “white people.” Who do I stick up for? Will one side be mad if I stick up for the other side?

Proving that adoption is a lifelong journey, I can say with honesty that I don’t have this stuck spot all figured out yet. Even after four decades of life as an adoptee, I am STILL sorting through it. I am working on the idea that like many things in adoption, I don’t have to pick a side. I can be loyal to both sides by just staying true to myself, my story & my experience. Navigating the stuck spots of adoption hasn’t been an easy road to travel but walking this journey with support & guidance sure has made it feel more manageable.