W.I.S.E. Up!® Parent Instruction Guide

Center for Adoption Support and Education (C.A.S.E.) created W.I.S.E. Up! to give children the tools to take control and feel empowered to respond to the curious, intrusive, and sometimes insensitive adoption-related questions asked by friends, neighbors, relatives, teachers, and strangers.

Whether the questions are a product of benign curiosity, ignorance, or intended insults, children who are adopted need to know that they have the power to decide how to respond. They also need to know that they (and their families) are WISER than other people about adoption–that others do not have the benefit of the knowledge that they do.

W.I.S.E. Up! is simple. The letters in W.I.S.E. stand for the four options children have for responding to questions or comments about adoption:

W.I.S.E. kids are taught to memorize their options, quickly assess each situation, and choose one of the four choices that feels most comfortable based on their mood, the person asking the question, or in what context it is being asked. It is important for them to know that whatever they choose is fine; however, practice helps them make the choice that suits the situation.

For example, a child who does not want to answer a tricky question has every right to choose “I/it’s private,” but it is best to deliver that message in a polite way (“I don’t want to talk about my adoption story right now”). The third choice, to share something, is one that requires thoughtful consideration. All children need their parents to help choose how much, when, and with whom they want to share parts of their adoption story. The fourth option, educate others, may also require you and your child to decide in advance what facts to share – for instance, “Did you know that 1 in 25 families in the US have an adopted child?”

Here are some important points about using W.I.S.E. Up! with your child:

You are an essential part of this work.
It is critical for helping your child to understand that you are always a resource for helping with challenging comments or questions about adoption. Introduce the concept that all adoptees are asked questions about adoption.

Ask your child what kinds of questions they have been asked.
It might help you to have some examples from your own experience in mind as well. Be aware that it may be difficult for your child to share some of the questions and comments they have heard about adoption. Many children are afraid their examples will upset their parents; others are concerned that they will be criticized for how they chose to handle the situation. You can let your child know that you, too, have similar experiences, and you also want some tools for choosing what to do.

Use the feeling emojis to ask your child how they feel about the questions they have been asked or how they feel about the examples in the PowerBook.
As you review the examples with your child – be sure to note that it is OK to have more than one feeling about any of these examples.

As you read the examples – ask probing questions:
“How would you feel if someone said that to you?”
“How do you think you would respond?”

As you are discussing their own experiences, begin to empower your child by helping them recognize how much they know about adoption that others do not know.

If you notice your child is tending toward one or two of the choices, be sure to help them identify how and when they might use the other choices.
Do not forget that adults will also be asking questions. Practice the different ways to use each letter when asked by strangers, adults in authority, family members, classmates, bullies, etc.
For practice, create 3″ x 5″ cards with questions that your child has been asked (or that they have heard others get asked).

You can practice how they would respond in different situations – if the question came from an adult, a classmate they do not like very much, or someone they just met. As children grow up, they will have different ideas about how they want to respond. You can also use the cards to promote discussion about adoption, to share your own experiences, and to create both humorous and serious discussion about growing up in an adoptive family!

The more you practice, the better it gets!

The PowerBook can be used many times as children mature and their needs change. Keep it handy, as well as the resources available through the C.A.S.E. website including topical briefs, on-demand webinars, support groups, and other resources to help support your children and family.