Reflections on Identity from an Adoptive Mom

Being an adoptive parent comes with its own set of unique challenges. Additional layers of complexity occur in several ways, one of them being a parent to a child or children of a different race or ethnicity. Although much progress has transpired shifting outdated ideologies such as “love is enough,” we must continue to evolve in the ways we love, support, and parent transracially and interracially adopted children and youth.

Isaac Etter, a transracial adoptee, recently presented a webinar for C.A.S.E.’ s Strengthening Your Family webinar series. The webinar, “Understanding and Supporting Transracial Adoptees and Fosterees,” took a fascinating look at Isaac’s childhood, youth, and the journey he went on to find his identity. Isaac lived in a non-diverse area and grew up in an all-white home. He recalled attending an event at church where everyone was white. Afterward, when he looked in the mirror, it was as if he had forgotten he was Black. He said not looking like those around him made him feel ashamed, embarrassed, and isolated.
Many, if not all, adopted children already experience feelings of “otherness” knowing they are not growing up with their families of origin, unlike most of their friends. If they look around and see no one else with a similar skin color, hair type, or ethnic background, that just compounds the feelings of isolation. Add in typical pre-teen and teenage struggles and you have a recipe for disaster.

Isaac’s example of feeling so different really drove home the importance of having diversity in the lives of adopted children. Whether it is the school they attend, the extracurricular activities they participate in, church, or even a mentor, it is vital adopted children of color see and have relationships with other children and adults of color. This might literally mean adoptive parents go the extra mile to take them to more diverse places and spaces. If your child likes to play basketball, but your local league is not diverse, parents may choose to drive to another part of town so the child could participate in a league with children who like him or her.

As I listened to Isaac share about growing up, I realized something important. If adoptive parents choose not to support their transracially adopted children’s identity journey, it will not be a question of if but when they will experience an identity crisis. It may happen slowly, or it may happen suddenly, but it is almost guaranteed to happen. When the children do not feel they are truly seen, how will they continue to trust those who have not supported them? I know that as a parent, I never want my children to feel unseen, unheard, or unsupported, because all of those add up to feeling unloved.

The biggest takeaway from Isaac’s webinar? Listen to your children, provide an open and non-judgmental space for them to share, and remember their experience is just that: theirs. As a transracial adoptive parent, I know I will probably make mistakes, but I will always be open to learning and never stop trying to do better.