Reflections on Identity from an Adoptive Mom

Being an adoptive parent comes with its own set of unique challenges. Additional layers of complexity occur in several ways, one of them being a parent to a child or children of a different race or ethnicity. Although much progress has transpired shifting outdated ideologies such as “love is enough,” we must continue to evolve in the ways we love, support, and parent transracially and interracially adopted children and youth.

For families navigating transracial adoption support, understanding that love alone is not the only factor needed for a child’s well-being is essential. Adoptive parents must also recognize the importance of culture, community, representation, and open conversations about identity.

Isaac Etter, a transracial adoptee, recently presented a webinar for C.A.S.E.’ s Strengthening Your Family webinar series. The webinar, “Understanding and Supporting Transracial Adoptees and Fosterees,” took a fascinating look at Isaac’s childhood, youth, and the journey he went on to find his identity. Isaac lived in a non-diverse area and grew up in an all-white home. He recalled attending an event at church where everyone was white. Afterward, when he looked in the mirror, it was as if he had forgotten he was Black. He said not looking like those around him made him feel ashamed, embarrassed, and isolated.

Isaac’s experience highlights how adoption and racial identity are deeply connected. For many transracial adoptees, understanding where they belong and how they relate to their racial and cultural backgrounds can become an important part of their lifelong identity development.

Many, if not all, adopted children already experience feelings of “otherness” knowing they are not growing up with their families of origin, unlike most of their friends. If they look around and see no one else with a similar skin color, hair type, or ethnic background, that just compounds the feelings of isolation. Add in typical pre-teen and teenage struggles and you have a recipe for disaster.

These experiences can contribute to adoptive parenting challenges as parents work to understand emotions their children may not always be able to express. Supporting children requires listening, learning, and creating space for honest conversations about differences, belonging, and personal history.

Isaac’s example of feeling so different really drove home the importance of having diversity in the lives of adopted children. Whether it is the school they attend, the extracurricular activities they participate in, church, or even a mentor, it is vital adopted children of color see and have relationships with other children and adults of color. This might literally mean adoptive parents go the extra mile to take them to more diverse places and spaces. If your child likes to play basketball, but your local league is not diverse, parents may choose to drive to another part of town so the child could participate in a league with children who like him or her.

Creating opportunities for representation is one way parents can help with raising an adopted child’s identity development. Seeing people who share similar racial, cultural, or lived experiences can help children feel recognized and connected.

As I listened to Isaac share about growing up, I realized something important. If adoptive parents choose not to support their transracially adopted children’s identity journey, it will not be a question of if but when they will experience an identity crisis. It may happen slowly, or it may happen suddenly, but it is almost guaranteed to happen. When the children do not feel they are truly seen, how will they continue to trust those who have not supported them? I know that as a parent, I never want my children to feel unseen, unheard, or unsupported, because all of those add up to feeling unloved.

Supporting an adopted child’s identity requires more than acknowledging adoption itself. It involves recognizing the impact of race, culture, and family history while creating an environment where children feel safe exploring every part of who they are.

The biggest takeaway from Isaac’s webinar? Listen to your children, provide an open and non-judgmental space for them to share, and remember their experience is just that: theirs. As a transracial adoptive parent, I know I will probably make mistakes, but I will always be open to learning and never stop trying to do better.

How C.A.S.E. Supports Transracial Adoptive Families

Transracial adoptive families often navigate complex questions around belonging, culture, race, and identity. C.A.S.E. provides adoption-competent mental health services, education, and resources designed to help families better understand and support the unique experiences of adopted children and youth.

Through adoption-competent therapy, support groups, and educational programs, C.A.S.E. helps families create space for conversations about identity, loss, connection, and belonging. These resources support parents as they learn how to respond to their child’s individual experiences with compassion and understanding.

For families seeking guidance with supporting adopted children’s identity development, connecting with professionals who understand adoption, foster care, and kinship experiences can provide valuable support throughout the journey.

Supporting Transracial Adoptive Families Through Identity Development

Every transracial adoption journey is different, and children may have different questions about their identity at different stages of development. Parents can support their children by remaining open, acknowledging differences, and creating opportunities to explore race, culture, and heritage in meaningful ways.

Building confidence around identity is an ongoing process. For many families, adoption identity develops through conversations, relationships, representation, and experiences that affirm the child’s complete story.

Navigating Your Child’s Identity Journey?

Navigating your child’s identity journey? Our adoption-competent therapists specialize in supporting transracial adoptive families. Schedule a consultation. Call C.A.S.E. at “301-476-8525 to learn more about available support.

FAQ’s

1. What kinds of identity questions do adoptees face?

Adoptees may have questions about where they come from, how adoption shapes their story, and where they belong. For transracial adoptees, identity questions may also include race, culture, heritage, and how they see themselves within different communities.

2. What insights does the author share as an adoptive mother?

The author shares that adoptive parenting requires ongoing learning, humility, and openness. She emphasizes listening to children’s experiences, recognizing their individual perspectives, and understanding that supporting identity development involves more than love alone.

3. How can adoptive parents support questions of identity development?

Adoptive parents can support identity development by creating safe conversations, listening without judgment, and allowing children to explore their feelings. Providing representation, cultural connections, and opportunities for meaningful discussions can help children build confidence in their personal identity.

4. How can adoptive parents discuss race, culture, or roots when different from their child’s origins?

Parents can begin by acknowledging differences openly and respectfully rather than avoiding conversations. Learning about their child’s cultural background, seeking diverse communities, and creating space for questions can help children feel valued and connected to their heritage.

5. What resources or strategies support adoptive families in identity reflection?

Families can benefit from adoption-competent counseling, educational resources, support groups, and connections with other adoptive families. Reflecting on identity through ongoing conversations, cultural experiences, and professional guidance can help families better understand and support their child’s evolving needs.