Fragile Spirits: The Impact of the Ukrainian Invasion

By Debbie Riley, LCMFT

C.A.S.E. CEO

For the past two weeks, I, like most of you, have been struggling to comprehend the images of war inflicted upon the country of Ukraine. Here at C.A.S.E we are also witnessing the impact of this war upon all the children and families we serve, especially those children adopted from the Ukraine and Russia.

Parents are seeking support from their therapists as they are struggling with how to help their children understand this war.  Jan, a mom of two sons adopted from Russia, shared with her therapist that her sons are questioning why Russia is hurting so many people, saying things like, ‘I hate where I was born!  I hate being Russian!’  This causes Jan to ‘lay awake at night trying to find the words that will make it better for them. I have no words-I feel like I am failing them.’  Jed and April shared that their daughter Natasha, age 10, has been refusing to go to school, worried that something bad will happen to them.  Her parents are asking themselves: ‘How can we help her feel safe?’

Parents and children are trying to manage resurfacing feelings of loss triggered by the losses they are witnessing in the media and on social platforms, minute by minute. For many of the children adopted from Ukraine they have been seeking support to heal from the psychological losses of birth family and now they fear the finality of these losses that their biological families may have died, shattering any hopes of reconnecting.

For those adopted from Russia, they fear that their birthfathers, brothers, or uncles will be harmed as soldiers. They are worried about birth family members who are still in Russia and what will the sanctions mean for them.  How will they pay for food, housing?  Some who are young and still trying to make sense of ‘adoption’ worry they could be sent back to Russia, that they don’t belong here or even allowed to remain in America.

We are also hearing that they worry about the other orphan children:  Will they survive? Will they ever get adopted? Will they be able to come to America hearing that all flights are cancelled, and travel stopped between U.S and Russia. Will more children become orphaned when parents are killed by the war?

Teen adoptees are feeling disconnected and connected, all at the same time. During this powerful quest for identity, they are asking:

Some feel suddenly very patriotic or protective of their birth countries without having words or understanding why. Others may retract and disengage, fearing being associated with their national identity if there is a sense of wrongdoing, shame in events occurring in their country of origin. They do not want to be seen as aligned with something that others see as bad.  They may worry that they don’t fit anywhere, they are ‘outsiders’ or ‘foreigners.”  Who will claim them, who do they want to be claimed by?’

Our children need us to understand how complicated this is, it’s hard to navigate this journey of identity formation under normal circumstances, it’s imperative that we as adults understand how this search becomes compromised and complicated by the current tragic events unfolding day by day in the Ukraine.

We need to be aware that some Russian adoptees may in days ahead be faced with adverse experiences directed to their nationality and culture. They may be subject to slurs and bullying about being Russian and blame them for the war. One boy shared that he worried he would be bullied like Asian peers were during the Covid-19 pandemic:  taunted and blamed for the disease.  He fears people will say: ‘Russian people start wars; they kill people for no reason.’

You may wonder how much national identity impacts your child’s response to the current war.  Connections to one’s birth country/culture are dependent on many variables:

The reality is that this IS a challenging, complicated experience for all children and because of the current conflict it has deeper ramifications for adoptees from Russia and Ukraine. For many the fear of war is slowly overshadowing their daily life, heightening their feelings of anxiety and compromising their sense of safety. We must not lose sight that they are still trying to heal from the ramifications of the Covid-19 Pandemic, systemic racism, and for some, the loss of loved ones due to the pandemic. Our children are overwhelmed and fragile. They are frightened. They need our compassion, presence, and attentiveness. They need us to be willing to talk about how we are feeling and how they are feeling.

I am honored to share with you the feelings from Olga, adopted from Russia at age 12, now 32 and throughout her 21 years in America has sought counsel and support from C.A.S.E.: