Helping Children and Youth Maintain Relationships With Birth Families

Have you ever watched one of those ‘true life’ shows where twins who have been separated for life finally meet and discover they have myriad similarities in traits, preferences, and shared experiences?

Or read a story about folks who were separated by war or other trauma, only to be reconnected decades later?

Did the stories give you a warm, fuzzy feeling, bring a tear to your eye, or make you say to yourself, ‘Of course! This was exactly what the outcome should be’?

These are stories that capture our hearts and imaginations, yet, as a society, we seem not to make the same intellectual or emotional connections for children and youth who have been separated from their family members because of foster care or adoption.

For them, the narrative is often some variation of, ‘Those connections will only confuse them or complicate relationships;’ ‘They don’t remember them, the adoption happened at birth;’ or ‘Those aren’t like real siblings, they never even met.’ We need to change the narrative and the commitment around ongoing relationships for our children in care and in adoptive families. For them, for us, for optimizing positive outcomes.

In order to understand who you are, you need to know where and who you come from. Our children often have distorted, incomplete, or even fictitious accounts of their families. In the absence of the truth, they are left to fill in gaps or create a story entirely on their own. Moreover, the lack of a dialogue about their family can lead them to believe that there is nothing positive or good in their background. And so, perhaps, there is nothing positive or good about themselves. Children need to know that the genes they carry bring strength, talents, and unlimited potential – not just the challenges that brought them into foster care and adoption in the first place.

Knowing and being connected to family can certainly help a child create a more complete sense of ‘self,’ and contribute to the development of a strong, positive identity. Additionally, those connections also serve to widen a child’s circle of support. When caregivers are joining the child in these relationships, they can provide the safety and support necessary to ensure that the relationships meet the needs of their shared child. Without this support, without the joining, children may be left to navigate their connection to their family on their own, potentially setting up loyalty conflicts, relationship breakdown, or future hurt and trauma.

For the adoptive family, there are also concrete benefits to supporting ongoing connections. Youth report that the support of their adoptive family results in a deepening trust in that family’s commitment to the youth and their needs. [1] The shared experience is a concrete demonstration of love as an action for the young person.

Knowing the family of origin can also help adoptive and foster parents better understand who their child is; what traits they may have inherited, what impact generational trauma may have on their child now and into the future, what the impact of certain choices can be as their child enters adolescence and adulthood, and more. Having these insights and being respectful and nonjudgmental in discussing them with the youth demonstrates respect for the child and their family. Research supports these connections as well:

Professionals have a critical role in creating an expectation of and commitment to supporting connections as they work with adoptive families. As with anything else, the first impression is lasting. As an adoptive parent, I know that I relied on the expertise of the social workers and followed their lead. For whatever reason, with each of our four adoptions, ongoing connection with the family was neither encouraged or discussed. Without the initial support and assistance of the system, our children were left to advocate for these relationships with their adoptive family. This is an onus that is too great, too risky for children who have already lost family. What if the adoptive family gets angry? What if the child has to choose? What if the family rejects reconnection?

Pre-service training for potential adoptive families must include both the importance of and the strategies for maintaining connections and relationships for children and their families. Some of the most effective ways to do this are:

First and foremost, adoptive parents must maintain an attitude of respect, appreciation and authentic curiosity about the family and community child is from. This means including cultural values and traditions in your everyday life, as well as during holidays, special events, or visits. Children watch what we do always, not only when we are checking off boxes.

Because the children are in their care, adoptive parents have a perceived position of power over the family, which must be both acknowledged and addressed in order to maintain positive relationships and connections for their children. An understanding of the core issues in adoption and permanency is a great place to begin. For further reading, the Child Welfare Information Gateway offers an excellent overview in The Impact of Adoption.

In terms of navigating relationships, these issues can play out in many ways for each party. These are just a few to keep in mind when thinking about the family and your shared child.

As adoptive parents either begin opening the door to the child’s family or continue in this journey, there are a number of things they can do to ensure that their child’s needs are being met and all parties are experiencing the best of an open relationship.

Talk to your child about how, when and where they want to include family in their life. Be creative and flexible in including their family. Some things to keep in mind while following your child’s lead:

Adoptive parents have the power and position to create an environment of trust and respect in supporting ongoing connections for their children. Using their power and position in thoughtful ways can lead to healthy, positive relationships for all and ensure that the children know who they are and how they belong to their families.

Written by Kim Stevens, Adoptive Parent, Former NACAC Project Manager

[1] Oral reporting of youth involved in speak-out, advocacy, and network opportunities; 1998-2019