Hispanic or Bust?

It’s Hispanic Heritage Month, a month I know nothing about despite being 100% Latina. That’s a strange confession to make via a writing piece for work but it’s my truth and an honest part of my adoption story.

When I left Chile in August of 1983, I came to America and became very… American. Every bit of my Chilean identity was buried in Chilean soil the day I left. It was as if that part of me died. I lived throughout adolescence feeling curious about my Latina culture, but it was never a part of me that was acknowledged and certainly not celebrated.

When I entered adulthood, I took my identity by the horns and started trying to connect with the culture I had lost. I started attending Chilean festivals. Living so close to Washington, D.C. keeps me in this eclectic pit of culture, and I easily found a Chilean community. However, I’ll never forget the isolating feeling of walking up to my first festival. I came face to face with the harsh realization that while I am Chilean, I also am not. I don’t know any Chilean music or traditions…I don’t know the “slang” words in Spanish that are partial to the country. I don’t know any dances or how to cook their cuisine. I know nothing about being Latina.

I’m being faced with other identity challenges as an adult. My daughter wants to celebrate her Chilean culture and have a quinceañera…a traditional coming of age ceremony in the Latin culture and again, something I know nothing about. My “coming of age” celebration was a Bat Mitzvah, the path my parents steered me on when they converted me to Judaism. So now, here I sit, a 41-year-old mother, trying to learn new traditions and execute a ceremony for my daughter. Time is ticking as her birthday is just a few months away. I feel stress, pressure, loneliness…the list goes on!

Hispanic Heritage month is here, and I am still trying to figure out how to be Hispanic. Each year I hope to learn a little more…do a little more…teach a little more…and I hope that one day, I will feel like I have reclaimed the Latina identity that I lost when adoption was chosen for me. Life continues to show me that this adoption journey is not linear — it has ups and downs, waves of emotions and experiences that seem to keep popping up as life goes on. The journey continues…